If you've read the post before this one, it will give you a glimpse of what my life felt like in 2013. it was full of disappointing pregnancy tests, bitter smiles when someone else announced they were expecting and a little feeling of hopelessness. I was a hot mess. I couldn't help but worry about when "our time" would come and as quickly as i was to express my fears, everyone would quickly reply with "it will happen when its your time." "Our time" couldn't come quick enough. I had always had an irrational fear about being unable to conceive or not have babies, it was a fear that I've had since I was a teenager. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and have a big family, full of laughter and the gospel, it was definitely a dream. Now in November of 2013 It had been like 8 months of trying to get pregnant and most of my cousins were having or were expecting their first babies which made me so happy to hear! I couldn't wait to hold their little angels and spoil them with shower gifts and have little parties when they turned 1! I was so excited for them, but i felt so sad for me, why couldn't I get pregnant? why was this so difficult for us? I was always stressing about it, always talking about it, always fearing that I wouldn't have my chance at motherhood.
I know a few women, loving women, amazing women who have struggled with fertility, and while reaching out to one of them I realized it would be okay if we needed to see someone, it wasn't always bad news. Mona and I had talked about babies, and he know how much I cried and begged heavenly father for our own little blessing, being such a supportive and loving husband he would hold me, and place the blame on himself sometimes, then I would reassure him it was probably me. I needed to see someone about it. We decided late december that we were going to just relax and let loose, his sisters birthday in Australia was in January 2014 and we wanted to go. Our plan was to use our tax money to get passports and all that fun stuff to go to Australia in January the next year. Mona had just got a full-time job, he was working a low hour part time job at lens crafters, but finally he had a great opportunity to work full time. I started taking care of myself, working out daily and eating right. Finally my lady time had caught up with me and I was regularly getting my little friend every month! I wasn't too stressed about babies, and when people asked I was comfortable saying "maybe next year!" I was excited about the possibility of Australia, the possibility of traveling and just enjoying married life and not really stressing out about babies, money, cars or any of the usual stressors of life
Our 2 year anniversary came and went and at the end of the february I was working out LIKE MAD, lifting 30 lbs weights and throwing medicine balls up walls and running A LOT. It was around the lady time time and I noticed a little spot here and there, typical i thought hmmm, okay lady friend will be here tomorrow. The little spots continued for a week, concerned I asked a co-worker for advice and if she had ever experienced anything like that. She had, when she first got pregnant. I gulped, and said no way? I doubt thats what is happening. It was Monday Feb 24th. and every day after It was the same little drip drop, no lady time. It was really freaking me out but my friend kept begging me to take a test. She knew how much I wanted a baby deep inside so she was super excited for me since it was my "first sign" of a possible pregnancy. I was freaking out, I had already mentally prepared my self for not worrying about babies for this next year. Was this really happening? Am I really pregnant? I went home and told my husband the possibility of Friday night. I had also looked online for possible reasons for "spotting" for a week and all things pointed and implantation which is when the egg implants in the uterus. I had a pregnancy test at home from a few months back so i did some research and the blogs all said it was best to check in the morning during your first bathroom break. It was March 1st, around 5 am and I couldn't fully sleep because I knew I was going to take the test that next morning and I was really anxious to know, I just didn't want to get my hopes up. Then, I had to pee lol. perfect time right? haha! I went ahead and took out the test and tinkled on it. hahah. I set it down and looked away, I didn't even want to look at it because deep inside I so badly wanted to see that big positive. I finished up and then took a deep breath and said a little prayer, for my heart, I couldn't really take seeing another negative test because I knew it would destroy me deep inside, that whole week was full of the unknown in such a positive way because, WHAT IF i WAS pregnant?! how awesome would that be after so long! I looked at the test and in big bold letters it read: PREGNANT.
i'm pregnant. I'M PREGNANT!?!?!?! omg, OH MY GOODNESS… I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY, THERES A BABY INSIDE OF ME? OH M Y GOOOODNESS…
I couldn't be more excited.
i'm writing this now, because it was something I felt like sharing a while ago but now that I feel comfortable with knowing things are going well in my pregnancy, the fear of miscarrying (which was a possibility at 7 weeks since i was spotting for 3 weeks straight)is gone. I wanted to let all you future mommy's, all those girls who are trying to conceive and are having a hard time, I feel your pain. I'm not sure how we got luck and after 2 years we've been blessed with this opportunity. I do know that Heavenly Father works in HIS time, it is never our time. I thought for the longest time that I wasn't able to have babies, even though I never went to the doctor, I was never told that i wasn't able to, it was just a fear of mine since it took 2 years. 2 years to conceive. Keep trying, don't be too hard on yourselves and take a break, it honestly happened when we just didn't think about it. I understand that everyone is different and because our break from baby stressing got us pregnant doesn't mean it will happen to you but just know that it is okay to just relax and HAVE FUN! I lived in stress for 2 years, it was probably the hardest time of my life. Now i'm anxious about being a mommy, a good one.
Anywho, thank you for getting to this point of my blog. It's probably my longest post so thanks for sticking it out! May God Bless you all, in anything you want in life pray. Pray for guidance and Pray for strength, he will definitely bless you if you keep him as your #1 contact daily!
